Voice Of Truth

Today, as I drove along in the car, I heard this song by Casting Crowns. I've heard it a million times, maybe more. But today it was a little different. We'll get to that in a minute....

See, I've been struggling with something. Like majorly struggling. It's all I can think about. The first thought every morning, the last thought every night and about a bazillion times in between. And it's so ridiculous. I wish I could say it was something meaningful, like maybe world hunger or going to the far places of the earth and preaching the Good News to all mankind...something like that. I have those thoughts, I mean, I do have a heart beating in my chest and I really do want to show people who Jesus is. But this thought? It's waaaay more shallow. It's that dang number on the scale. Last week I wanted to chuck it out the window. Seriously. I'm not kidding. I've been trying to get back to what I weighed when I got pregnant with Selah. For over two years now! Ha. That's what the scale was saying to me, "HA!" It's not like I don't try. I try very, very hard. I'm at the gym six days a week working out for no less than an hour and a half, a couple of those days being two hours at a time. No, I don't eat chocolate cake for breakfast. In fact, it's a half cup of flax meal along with four egg whites and a cup of coffee. Jealous?? Lunch varies depending on what that day holds but often it's plain chicken with a cup of veggies. Dinner also changes from day to day but I promise, I'm not parking myself at the Old Country Buffet. Promise. Snacks in between are usually protein shakes. The weekends are not so structured, thank goodness! So you can probably understand how frustrating it would be to hop on the 'ol scale and see you've gained three more pounds. Lovely. To say I was annoyed would be an understatement. I even considered not showing up at our girls night because I didn't like the way I looked in anything. I wanted to spare them from the hideous cellulite. I'm nice like that. I like my friends, I want to save them from things...it' also why I don't cook for them. This was Thursday night. Friday was no better.

All the while I have these crazy thoughts. The guilt of putting so much of my time, energy and thinking into something so superficial. Something that the bible warns will fade away. How it says to store up our treasures in heaven. I didn't see anything in the good book about how you can become more like Jesus if you are a size 4. It's not in there.

Jumbled in with those thoughts would be stuff like "should you really be eating that" or "no wonder you can't lose weight...you've just eaten two cookies for crying out loud!" Things my cruel step dad would tell me came flooding back. "You're stupid, there's no way you could make it in college.  You're not pretty." I have a vivid memory of  being about twelve years old, lying on the living room floor watching the Miss USA pageant. I loved those. The sparkly dresses, the way they walked confidently on stage and performed their talent, be it yodeling or throwing their baton in the air and successfully catching it. I know there was a teeny, tiny part of me that thought that would be the coolest thing ever. To be Miss USA. But I couldn't yodel or twirl a baton or sing or any of the other things those girls did. I'm not even sure why I thought it would be so wonderful, I sure hope Selah has higher aspirations! Anyway, he looked over at me and said I shouldn't get my hopes up to be on any sort of beauty list. He said I liked macaroni and cheese and that girls who like macaroni and cheese don't need to worry about those things! Good gracious, this man has been out of my life for over sixteen years, when will those voices go away?

I really don't dwell on those things much at all anymore. I was feeling yucky and weak and vulnerable. I know Satan likes to use those things to drag us that much further down. Which reminds me of something I heard in a Beth Moore study a couple of weeks ago. That Satan is counting on us staying in those dark places. When we get to the other side of it is when we are our most powerful. When we use what we went through for God's glory. But the enemy wants us to stay there. Because when we are there, in that bad, awful place, we aren't allowing God to use us like He could. There is so much more on the other side...

Then, Saturday, Sunday and Monday I did the unthinkable. I didn't workout! It wasn't on purpose at all. Just sort of happened that way. I slept in! I woke up feeling rested...um, that never happens! Joe was worried. He knows I get a little crazy if my body hasn't produced sweat in over a day. My fuse gets short, I'm antsy. It's not good. But it wasn't like that this time. I wanted to get a good workout in but it just didn't happen. I threw the ball to Gabe and Isaac so they could practice before their baseball games, we took a few walks around our neighborhood. I guess I just sort of let it go for a bit. I kind of can't believe we all survived.

Back to that song. Do you know it? If I was at all technically inclined I would put up the little linky thing for you, maybe show the video on here...but I'm not that girl. I'm the girl that googles the song lyrics, writes it on a piece of paper and types it here for you to see. I'm pretty sure there's a faster way...

Voice Of Truth:

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again, "boy, you'll never win."
"You'll never win"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From the top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

So, there I was, cruising down I-675 to meet Joe at the Greene. Two kids in the back, nearly asleep, and this song comes on. Like I said, I've heard it a million times, but today was so different. It's felt like this issue (which I think is more mental than anything. I know I'm at a healthy weight, after all...) was my giant. I felt less of a person because of a silly number on a scale. I'm not less of a person. I'm a person that God created on purpose. I wasn't an accident, although Satan likes to remind me that I was absolutely not planned by my young parents who were not married. There are so many negative thoughts racing through my head at any given time. The voice that's hardest to hear and believe is the voice of truth. The one that says "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I'm fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful." Psalm 139:13-14.

Next time, because there's always a next time, I will choose to listen to the voice of truth. Today I stepped on the scale after a great seven mile run. Guess what? I actually lost a few pounds. It didn't take long though until that voice, the one telling me I'm still not at the number I was when I got pregnant, came knocking at my mind's door. But this time I told it to go away. That I was proud of myself for finishing a long run. That I'm no longer listening.

I choose to listen to the voice of truth.  Who are you listening to? I would love to hear what you think.

XOXO,
Angie