Thursday, June 23, 2011

Date Night

Time is just scoot, scoot, scootin' by around here. Realizing that makes me more aware of just how quickly the time spent with my kids all day every day, how quickly those days will be gone. When I was younger, all I ever wanted to be was a mama. I didn't have dreams of  carrying a briefcase, catching the bus and heading downtown to a high rise building. Just wasn't me. I did, however, dream of finger painting with a toddler, nursing my babies, and reading books, cozied up together on the couch. I never thought about life after that. Never. I simply couldn't wait to have littles of my own. I didn't think about them getting bigger. Time seemed to take forever to get to the part where I actually had those kids. And now I have an almost first grader, a four year old and 20 month old. Thinking back at how quickly time has passed since the first one was the 20 month old just kills me. I cannot believe he's six. Needless to say, whenever I get alone time with any of the kids, well, it's priceless. When they get all of me. When I hope that mental picture of whatever cute thing they are doing stays vivid in my mind forever.

Selah and I had a date at the park last week. I loved every minute. I put my phone away, I didn't look at my watch. We went down the slide as much as she wanted. We swung, her little body molding perfectly to mine, until she wanted to stop. I noticed her smiles more, I saw the way she looked at me, happy to be with just me. To have that sliver of time just for us. I love her so much it hurts.

When Isaac was this age I couldn't imagine what having a six year old would be like. It seemed like it would be forever until I would have to face the agonizing day of watching him walk into a great big school building with people I don't know, learning things I didn't teach him. Not being there when his light bulb went on. I still want to be there to see that face he gets when he "gets" it. And here we are, a couple of months away from that very thing. Kindergarten was tough. I cried for at least the first week after dropping him off. I don't want to think about making lunch for just two kids.

This week I've noticed a shift in Gabe's confidence. Where there was once a shy boy who couldn't articulate his thoughts, well, now there's a bigger boy who's trying out new words. The other night while driving home from Dorothy Lane Market, Gabe asked "mom, where are the groceries?", we were all sort of shocked. He doesn't usually say things so clearly.  Isaac, in all of his big brother excitement said "Gabe, where did you learn such a big word?"  It breaks my heart. On the one hand we are ecstatic that he's learning, moving ahead. On the other hand...well, I feel like we've failed him. We shoud've had him in speech sooner, we just kept thinking that he would all of a sudden "get" it. I'm so very proud of him. He's teaching me to be brave. My prayer is to see him walk into preschool come fall with a slew of new words and the confidence he needs to make new friends. Gabe, I love you so much. Thanks for showing us how to take on new challenges.

I love my kids. I love watching them grow. And, although it breaks my heart in all sorts of way, I will love letting go.


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